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Tuesday, March 13th, 2001
1:47 am
some people out there need to learn to laugh. its not worth it to get pissed about everything. whats the point?

current mood: amused

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Sunday, March 11th, 2001
11:22 pm - my leftovers
so at first, when it was just jen, i thought it was a coincidence that alex had a penchant for my leftovers but tonight that theory is out the window!!!

Laura! he was all over/about her tonight at the show.

Alex will pick up anything i discard. thats why he doesnt do well in an elman class, he is unoriginal. im not pissed i was just sort of shocked, if you will. but shock conveys a bit too much of a serious image to you, my one and only reader. i was more like, "figures, thats what i expected." it makes me laugh too because neither are fantastic. come to think of it he was hitting on clara big time the first time that he met her. what a sad sad story.

so next girl that comes into my life will be introduced to him as "alex, he will ask you out a couple weeks after we break up so you might as well start becoming friends now, right?" and then i will give my sardonic smirk and then go smoke a j. love it. love it. i do.

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Sunday, March 4th, 2001
1:57 pm - a big fuck you to all things named, um, that guy who, um, yeah
its been a bouncy day and will be a bouncy afternoon.

kat and i, we are a bounce factory.

no no not in some silly sexual way.

now for things i dont like:
-electronic music with words. there is just something about it that take away from the beauty and feel of a song. its almost too organic of a sound to accompany such mechanical music. that is not a knock on electronic music- im very intrigued by the stuff.
-factionalism. need i say more?
-republicans. well. um. i couldnt express it monosylabicly enough for those idiots to understand.
-cell phones. how pretentious.
-journals in which people talk about their lives. also pretentious.
-guns. no good can come of them.

argh! i am a pirate and a pirate i shall remain.


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1:38 pm
im sitting here in the lab with kat and a few sorostitutes. kat is bitching about all of the girls who want to screw her boyfriend. i mean, let them. you can do better. she says in a faunesque manner "no". yeah you can.
john had a date last night and it was his first real date ever. it was the first time that he has liked a girl and she has liked him back. i am so happy for that boy.
yesterday was interesting and included a lot of music and a trip to the beach. more than anything else, it was human interaction at its best. john and i talked and talked and talked. he and i talk like no one else. incredible conversations. so smart. he also liked the noises coming out of my room. I have been writing some new stuff that sounds a lot different. Until he said something (and he is somewhat of an authority on the subject), I was feeling less than confident about it. It was a nice and unsolicited gesture. those are the best.
ill be in trinidad soon and im not going to miss this country. ill miss my fourtrack, kat, and the ability to wear dark clothes but hey, at least i have john and a guitar...

i have to write a fucking presentation. its okay. im good at it.

kat is really pissed at michael. i would be too. besides, he has really silly hair.

i want to have another day soon when i feel like im in a woody allen movie.

college is funny. i was laughing about it just the other day. i mean really really funny. its funnier than chevy chase (although that changes from movie to movie. for the sake of argument, lets say caddyshack era). just look around and laugh. thats the moral of life.


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Wednesday, February 28th, 2001
5:15 am
eh, its 5.14 and im still sitting here not done. i like staying up but i want to be done with this all by 7. it wont happen.

boo fucking hoo

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Tuesday, February 27th, 2001
9:52 pm - im not monica...
so god.

you were funny in color.
but not you.

in many ways,

i should be working.
i should be working.

dont be depressive
dont be blonde

but i am

i am

we dont have anything to say
its not because youre beautiful
and its not because im vain
we dont communicate anyway
not like we once did
not even in my mind

once again, you might be right
but the sun doesnt make me mad
no the boys dont make me glad
and the magma will make me sad
and the pufferfish make me laugh
but the whalies dont turn my head
like the blonde living in my bed
like the blonde living in my bed

she wasnt perfect but she made me happy and i still dont remember how to be happy without her.

and its been a year and a half.


current mood: melancholy

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Sunday, February 25th, 2001
6:53 am
well because i am too lazy to do anything real, i have to do everything i was supposed to do today and yesterday. gak. all woe is me. enough.

makali took a blow and i dont know what i can do to help her. shes far away, im not good with words, and i dont know what i could give her that would help. But when you read this, you should also know that i hope you will tell me what i can do because (insert cheesy friends cliche here). I should write you a song or a story.

Last night was not unusual. the night before with getting naked and the highlighters and the booze, that was strange, in a good sort of way. But last night was terribly rainy and there was a party that i could have gone to but i made what i still believe to be the correct decision not to go. it wouldnt have been my people or my place and i would likely just feel awkward and out of place. i would feel that way for good reason, i am awkward and out of place. so i dont go. but then i wake up and think, might it be fun and worthwhile? this is essentially the story of my life. i dont do things that i dont think will be fun and then regret not doing them. i need a girl to chase. that always distracts me enough so that i dont care about other things and it also keeps me interested enough so i dont care what else i miss. i like being single but more in the context of enjoying the prospect of someone new and, maybe, satisfying.

Oh, by the way. My friends (not all but most like john and rob) are big big big fucking tools. there is nothing worse than being used and mistreated by people with whom you once had great relationships.

i need to leave this school. i hate it here.

hate is a strong word but

man, it really really sucks.

im even saying that in the best sense of the word.

i dont even miss clara today. i havent really been missing her lately. eh, i dont really care enough to discuss it.




its one of those days and i get to see my parents. I like them so i have no qualms with it but i am not going to act as normal around them. all they see then is irratbility.

marie emailed me and i sent her an email in which i compared living my life to eating a grapefruit. the email sounded pretty acidic but it wasnt. who knows what she will think. i was very nice in the email but wierd.

eh, its dark and windy and cold. and ooh, kat will you go break into the insane assylum with me? john and i drove around it yesterday and it is so fucking cool!!! it is really creepy.

okay, im done and its over with a word about stepehn malkmus' new album. its great. really really great. a strong continuation of his work with pavement. it is not unique in that sense but it is well executed and enjoyable. nothing groundbreaking but there is this line "you wanted everything and everything plus the truth. i only bought you half a lie." maybe its the music along with it but man, it kills me. kat- you should hear it. not your thing but i think you can dig it.


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Wednesday, February 21st, 2001
10:23 pm
So I had to do a 15 minute presentation in my history class today and there are 40 people in there. my first reaction was a tinge of nervouness but within the first minute i became amused. the fact that all of those people were captives of mine... thats enough for any aspiring fascist dictator to get off.

so makaili-

i hope you are okay. look at it this the cat can outsmart the deer and steal the mule!!! sorry if my humor is not appreciated.

im good. im feeling really good.

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Monday, February 19th, 2001
8:33 pm
ive been doing a lot of reading about labor-management relations and i have come to the conclusion that both sides are fucking stupid.
if these labor leaders and managers were not fighting over how big their cocks are but about the issues, they might get somewhere. but, they would never really get there. the thing is that they both try to screw each other all of the time and their power goes back and forth. their optimal outcomes seem to become diametrically opposed but what they dont seem to realize is that they must coexist and can coexist simmultaneously.

they all are fucking tools.

current mood: happy

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8:18 pm - anal sex part deux
anal sex seems dirty, but with enough oil, you would never notice, right?

im not so sure about that but at least if the oil smells good (the greeks prefered no other than first pressing extra virgin olive oil), then the odor of ass (for those who are not fans of enemas) should not permeate.

current mood: interested

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8:13 pm - anal sex: perversion, subordination, and pleasure
im in a pretty good mood right now.

so there has been heated discussion going on with kingdomjames, kat, and myself. The subject is none other than the most notorious and taboo kind of bodily penetration outside of necrophillia, ANAL SEX.

As a student of ancient history, I am inclined to look at anal sex from a historical perspective. The greeks were the first civilization who openly condoned the practice of anal sex. It was a component of what we would now view as a student teacher relationship. The younger boy was refered to as a catamite and was soley penetrated. His teacher was the penetrator. It had its place in even the most militaristic and conservative grecian society, the spartans, where men in the military had carnal knowledge of their fellow troops most sacred orifice. Tapping ass was a thing of life for the greeks. The romans then took this time honored tradition and fucked it up as they did with almost everything the greeks did. They made it vulgar and lewd whereas with the greeks it took on an aesthetic quality which was characteristic of greek life.

My point is really that kats thing against anal penetration is a socialized response to what was once a noble and honorable act. It is true that the act itself, especially when performed upon women, is in many ways subordinating. Many view men with a penchant for anal sex to be latent homosexuals. this theory may hold water. it certainley seems logical due to the reported incidence of homosexuality societies in which such behavior is acceptable. Perhaps kat should reasses her normative biases against such a long standing tradition and not make such sweeping and wholly uninformed assumptions about what is, for many, a satisfying and romantic sexual act.

current mood: interested

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Sunday, February 18th, 2001
8:39 pm
youre right, i do bitch about very pedestrian things. i also just talked to my family and i didnt have to lie to them about anything. that makes me feel good. i dont mind lying but i am frustrated by how phony a relationship can be when it is permeated by dishonesty. i love them and they are good people. i wish they could accept my lifestyle as it is but they are parents and couldnt really support my self destructive tendencies.
The thing is, i never feel like i dont want to be alive for more than an hour or two at a time. that is why i will never off myself. i always know that i will see something or think something that will interest me and take my mind away from my usually meager and indulgent plight.
and somehow (maybe its god or just my own resourcefullness), good shit happens to me. today it was a phone call from someone i know who had some interesting and highly desired information for me. this "good luck" once again relates to girls as it usually does. its silly, given how mean and unattractive i am, that i have good luck with girls. its all about the guitar...
but sometimes its not. thats when it shocks me.
in the parlance of Kat, "they must be fucking retarded"

but, retarded or not, i will take what i can get because i sure as hell need it.

so, i guess im. um. um. yeah.

current mood: numb

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11:05 am
im chronically dissatisfied. christ, i cant take this anymore. i just want to feel good for a few days straight. now im cold and im going to quit using drugs. all they do is make me think i feel happy when im fucked up. that only makes the mornings worse. i hate the mornings.

current mood: depressed

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10:59 am
the mornings are hardest for me. i hate the way i wake up and feel this sad. i shouldnt feel this sad but i do. i remember how little i enjoy(ed). how much work i have to do. how lonely i am. john promised me that he would come over last night, he didnt. my old friend stephanie said she would come over, she didnt. john and rob only hang out with me when they need me to drive them somewhere. im sick of my situation here and i can only hope my venture to trinidad will lift my spirits. I am not interested in ever coming back here. i hate this place and i would probably hate anyplace that i go to. in the end, im gonna end up the same: without clara and with a social structure that at best leaves me longing for more. somedays i really dont see why i do it. if i grow up to do something good for the world/me i will not make enough money. if i grow up and so something to make a lot of money i will go crazy and hate my job. there is no inbetween. i will never be satisfied so why should i even think of dragging nice people into my web only to spit them out before they are ready. if i was still tired, i would go back to sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep forever. maybe one of these days my brakes will fail. or a plane will crash into my house. or better yet, one of these days someone may shoot me. im sure i would like death better than life. you know people always say nice shit about you when you die, especially when it is someone else being an agressive asshole. they must compensate for the fact that you were taken in such a hostile and untimely manner. thats what i hope happens. i just dont want to hurt my parents. thats all. i feel greater guilt when i think about them than i do anyone else. i waste their money, i lie to them, i dont appreciate them, and when i am with them i can never communicate anything other than the fact that i would rather be somewhere else. if i liked my life maybe i could enjoy spending time with them but i spend so much of my life looking for something that makes me feel better than bad that i can not even be nice to them. they are good people and i am at a loss for why i am the way i am. i need the prospect of a new relationship to bring me hope. even if it all ends in pain, i can cope. the thought that i may, in fact, be coming closer to having a good friend who wants to see me is just about all it would take to make me see hope.

current mood: sad

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Thursday, February 15th, 2001
4:57 pm
i love the piano.

i want to play like john medeski.

my life would be complete, well probably not, but you know, better.
im such a prick

So you said the other day that Alex doesn't seem to be a very good friend to me. I disagreed and you quickly and tactfully brought a hole into your argument. I should have listened. What exactly did you mean? I think i might agree. I am interested in what you see.

I recorded a new pattern on the groove box. it is kinda cool. i have a headache and nothing of any import to share...

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2:26 pm - mindfuck
no you wont talk to me soon, no you wont. thats what i said to the answering machine after jen called and said she wanted to stop by. i dont want to see her. i dont want to talk to her. that is that. fuck alex. fuck jen. fuck everything except the gorgeous gorgeous piano in the chapel. wow. she is such a beautiful instrument.
so i am mad at jen, confused by clara, and frustrated by others. its almost too much to handle. ive got some secrets but this isnt the best place to spill them. there is something kind of sick about the internet and those who frequent it and im just not sure if my deepest and darkest secrets should be broadcast across to a medium that i inherently distrust.
jen is a whore. she was a whore before me and she is a whore after me. i do understand whorish tendencies and how they are a wonderful way to combat painfully low self esteem. of course if i was her, i would have low self esteem too so it makes a lot of sense. i know thats not nice but its true and i am a mean, bitter, and spiteful person. worst of all, i am honest. never honest when i shouldnt be but since there are so few people who i really care about, it doesnt really matter. i find myself continually seeking out smart people who know how to be mean and hate most other people for really legitimate reasons (eg stupidity and unfashionability). im glad i was gone when jen got here, it felt good not to see her. i am glad that i did what i did (told her i would be around and then i just left). Now i am, of course, obsessing over the things i wanted to say to her. i am trying to figure out how i want to deal with her. i may have to call her and tell her how terribly sorry i am that i missed her. or would it be stronger not to call her and not to return her calls. so is it better to say fuck you in damaging style or to make her think i dont even care enough to tell her i dont like her. its really a nasty nasty connundrum. fuck. why do i care as i obviously do. she just called and i prob...
forward to 5:53 am...
wow, i just fucked with her head and i feel fine. this is the benefit of not feeling anything. the thing is, i feel badly for her. she makes a lot of mistakes and i do not cut her a lot of slack but i have cut her more than she deserves. im not a nice person. that is true but to people who prove themselves worthy, im a lot nicer.
damn, im hating the way i go through all of my life offending people so that they never want to come back. it is not friendly.
well here it is 2:19 and i feel great again... funny how that goes.
i did just spend a hour and a half playing piano which always lifts my spirits.

wow, a good mindfuck is even better than sex.

and im not a good person.

current mood: pissed off

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Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
2:05 am
first of all, i need to say this: Kingdom James is the greatest wrestler of all time. Ok, so maybe he's not the greatest, but he is surely the coolest. Now that i have that off my chest i am pleased to report that Kat and I had mr. james as our waiter at dennys tonight. he had some impressive piercings and was harder core than any of my homemade porn. honestly, he was a really nice guy and it could just be the good company and conversation but i was loving everything in dennys even those cold ass fries. The lady who cashed us out was so sweet and friendly. an old skinny thing she was. she wished us a happy valentines day, i think, mistaking us for a couple which would never, ever happen because she is just not my type(yes yes, you all (should) know what that means). I went through my night on a cloud. Not a drugged cloud or even a metaphorical cloud. he he. it was good. this live journal shit is really funny. there are so many strange strange people who have journals. i feel so alive, secure, and normal after reading all of this weird and, sometimes, perverse shit. we laughed. i love to laugh especially when im feeling too good to remember why i shouldnt be laughing. its times like this that reinforce how nice of an opportunity life really is.

im feeling so benevolent.
this is fucking crazy.

one more thing: thank you.

current mood: pleased

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Tuesday, February 13th, 2001
9:55 pm
dude, i hope that bitch is lying about the gun. if any bullets get into kathleens gargantuan melon or anyother part of her body, shit will happen. i say that half in jest but only because i dont think its going to be a problem. but seriously i know you cant make this shit up, it takes one majorly sick and demented whore to threaten anyone in a way which would hurt my dear friend and associate kitty, meow. So that whore should know that she does not want to fuck with my friend because if she does, she will be fisted by an ogre and burn, burn, burn like a fatty fatty j.

an interesting day. of course any day where you begin drinking in the early afternoon is bound to be that way. i had to get up too damn early for a photo critique where i continue to be amazed by both the inferior work of my classmates and their totally assinine insights. speaking of which, yeah i am calling you assinine you bloody drunk fool!!! yeah you would. i dont like having to bullshit about my pictures. my goal is to make beautiful and interesting pictures that go together. fuck having some bullshit artist statement which is filled with me jerking off. thats what it all is, intelectual wankery. but none of it really matters because my prints are beautiful and my shots are not trite and petty but interesting. i guess i just want everyone to form their own impressions of the meaning of my work.

um, im sorry but squarepusher is great. wow.

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Sunday, February 11th, 2001
11:49 pm
im here in my room still and this journal thing was a bad idea. its nice to have a message board with such a significant readership. I wouldnt be doing this if it werent for the fans.

he he...

im feeling used by friends. No, not used. Secondary or tertiary or some later ary. i dont like that too much. id rather have no friends at all than bad friends. this is trite and silly.


well, i cant. my real journal is a bit better but anything done with a fountain pen is better than computers, im sorry hacker children.
heres something ive been meaning to bitch about: goddamned technology! this is the way they will ruin our society. it will be destroyed i tell you, destroyed and before they physically destroy this abomidable society they will continue to make it dumber and dumber and dumber. I mean really, what good is the internet? it is a way for psychos to fuck little boys and the rest of us to contact people in the most meaningless and sterile of media. Its gross. Marshall McLuhan would have a field day with modern media. TV too. what the fuck? how can so many people (including professors) talk about friends. could i give any less of a fuck about fourty minute friends durring sweeps? Do i even care about sweeps? what are they? a time when people who dont know how to think and/or get laid all watch tv....oh yeah, it is and the summer is a time when people can rewatch and, if they are stupid enough, relive their favorite melodrama AGAIN!!!

boys and girls, welcome to hell.

current mood: sad

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11:09 pm
you know how it goes, right?

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